Liberals and Conservatives
I must have had some underlying issues about the political world because conservative friends sent me a funny (to them) chain e-mail making fun of liberals. It struck me that if they wanted to insult me I should return the favor. So being proud of my liberality, I got all pissed off and wrote some inspired blog posts ripping on conservatives.
I really was hoping the dumb-ass culture wars would end. Why would they though, when their profiteers need more than ever to gather their flock-headed together to march into the future, armed with 2nd amendment rights and promises of exemption from the apocalypse based on their moral superiority.
Sorry. I know that kind of negative attitude won't get me anywhere.
Well, just in case, I'll waste some time listing off attributes of our conservative friends. And I'll try not to use too many big words.
Conservatives believe in work. Work is the center of the economy, and nothing ensures a person is moral and on the road to wealth like good old-fashioned hard work. In their spare time they love to work even more, making their front yards the very embodiment of conservative hard work and self-discipline. If that means waking up the neighbors with the 7-horse gas-burning lawn-edger or the 14-horse leaf blower or the 1100 cc riding mower that it takes to tame the 10 x 10 wilderness that is their front lawn, so be it. The more people know how hard you work the better.
On the job, nobody works as hard as conservatives. With the advent of technology, blogs and talk radio give the conservatives that lifeline they need to reinforce their feelings of moral hard-workingness. They hate liberals and unions, who want to make everyone work only 40 hours per week, taking away one of the conservatives' important means to demonstrate how hard-working they are by working longer hours than anyone else. Despite all the hard work they do, conservatives just never seem to get anything done. Probably because of the roadblocks put in their way by all those government regulations and the labor unions. But they keep working at it all the same. I s'pose if you got your work done, you wouldn't be have any work to do any more, so best to just keep your head down and keep working. Or talking about it. The more people know how hard you work the better.
Liberals are against work. They're always complaining that the work they're asked to do is not what they enjoy doing. Liberals have a problem trusting the business sense of their boss to steer the company through times of trouble--they feel like somehow work owes them something, like they're entitled to something for giving up the productive hours of their day to turning the wheels of business. Not conservatives. They never complain, if they can help the boss and the company in some way, they're always happy to oblige. Take responsibility for enforcing the burdensome government regulations that someone would have to read and think about to make understandable? Got it handled, right down to the letter. Working on it, you bet. ;)
Work longer hours for less money? Sure, boss. Wear clothes with the company logo on them? Great. Glad I can help out. Clean out your desk and leave the premises immediately? Sure, boss, I'd hate to cost the company your bonus in these tough economic times. After all, the more moral you are the more likely you are to gain that exemption for yourself in end times.
Conservatives live in trailers and foreclosed townhouses. You can recognize a conservative home by the well-maintained yard, tastefully decorated with an American flag and possibly several different plastic yard ornaments. To make ends meet, conservatives live a frugal penny-pinching lifestyle, saving money where they can on things like food and taxes, looking out for those low credit card APRs, and shopping for bargains at Wal-Mart and Sam's club. Only by their financial discipline can conservatives reward themselves for their hard work and realize their birthright to burn as much gas as possible by owning loud and powerful yard tools and toys like watercraft, atv's, bikes (real bikes with engines that require wearing leather and harley-logo t-shirts to ride, not the wussy contraptions liberals call "bikes" that requires pedaling and wearing spandex). This is how conservatives live, and everyone else should too. There's no need for wasteful things like parks, nature preserves, "bike" paths, art museums, concert halls, libraries, and other things that nobody but liberals care about. The cars they drive also reflect their practical and frugal lifestyles: American cars, such as the Ford Explorer, the Ford Excursion, the Chrysler Town and Country, and the Hummer are the practical and easy-financing-available solutions for conservative families taking the kids to their sports activities, the fast-food-drive-through, or Wal-Mart.
The worthiest of conservatives realize the rewards of their hard work and frugal lifestyle by owning the most well-engineered and luxurious automobile possible, the Audi.
In their well-earned vacation times, conservatives enjoy a wide variety of activities, such as football, other sports, motor sports, X-treme sports, and recreation such as atv-riding, watercraft-riding, riding (bikes, in case you're an awareness-challenged liberal). In summer when the kids get out of school, they like to go on family vacations exploring the wonders of the world, places like Disney World, 6 Flags, water parks, or the Mall. They have no need for things like museums, parks, or Europe.
OK, that's enough. I hate writing this stuff or thinking about it. Too stupid. But if the culture wars must go on, there's my contribution.
I must have had some underlying issues about the political world because conservative friends sent me a funny (to them) chain e-mail making fun of liberals. It struck me that if they wanted to insult me I should return the favor. So being proud of my liberality, I got all pissed off and wrote some inspired blog posts ripping on conservatives.
I really was hoping the dumb-ass culture wars would end. Why would they though, when their profiteers need more than ever to gather their flock-headed together to march into the future, armed with 2nd amendment rights and promises of exemption from the apocalypse based on their moral superiority.
Sorry. I know that kind of negative attitude won't get me anywhere.
Well, just in case, I'll waste some time listing off attributes of our conservative friends. And I'll try not to use too many big words.
Conservatives believe in work. Work is the center of the economy, and nothing ensures a person is moral and on the road to wealth like good old-fashioned hard work. In their spare time they love to work even more, making their front yards the very embodiment of conservative hard work and self-discipline. If that means waking up the neighbors with the 7-horse gas-burning lawn-edger or the 14-horse leaf blower or the 1100 cc riding mower that it takes to tame the 10 x 10 wilderness that is their front lawn, so be it. The more people know how hard you work the better.
On the job, nobody works as hard as conservatives. With the advent of technology, blogs and talk radio give the conservatives that lifeline they need to reinforce their feelings of moral hard-workingness. They hate liberals and unions, who want to make everyone work only 40 hours per week, taking away one of the conservatives' important means to demonstrate how hard-working they are by working longer hours than anyone else. Despite all the hard work they do, conservatives just never seem to get anything done. Probably because of the roadblocks put in their way by all those government regulations and the labor unions. But they keep working at it all the same. I s'pose if you got your work done, you wouldn't be have any work to do any more, so best to just keep your head down and keep working. Or talking about it. The more people know how hard you work the better.
Liberals are against work. They're always complaining that the work they're asked to do is not what they enjoy doing. Liberals have a problem trusting the business sense of their boss to steer the company through times of trouble--they feel like somehow work owes them something, like they're entitled to something for giving up the productive hours of their day to turning the wheels of business. Not conservatives. They never complain, if they can help the boss and the company in some way, they're always happy to oblige. Take responsibility for enforcing the burdensome government regulations that someone would have to read and think about to make understandable? Got it handled, right down to the letter. Working on it, you bet. ;)
Work longer hours for less money? Sure, boss. Wear clothes with the company logo on them? Great. Glad I can help out. Clean out your desk and leave the premises immediately? Sure, boss, I'd hate to cost the company your bonus in these tough economic times. After all, the more moral you are the more likely you are to gain that exemption for yourself in end times.
Conservatives live in trailers and foreclosed townhouses. You can recognize a conservative home by the well-maintained yard, tastefully decorated with an American flag and possibly several different plastic yard ornaments. To make ends meet, conservatives live a frugal penny-pinching lifestyle, saving money where they can on things like food and taxes, looking out for those low credit card APRs, and shopping for bargains at Wal-Mart and Sam's club. Only by their financial discipline can conservatives reward themselves for their hard work and realize their birthright to burn as much gas as possible by owning loud and powerful yard tools and toys like watercraft, atv's, bikes (real bikes with engines that require wearing leather and harley-logo t-shirts to ride, not the wussy contraptions liberals call "bikes" that requires pedaling and wearing spandex). This is how conservatives live, and everyone else should too. There's no need for wasteful things like parks, nature preserves, "bike" paths, art museums, concert halls, libraries, and other things that nobody but liberals care about. The cars they drive also reflect their practical and frugal lifestyles: American cars, such as the Ford Explorer, the Ford Excursion, the Chrysler Town and Country, and the Hummer are the practical and easy-financing-available solutions for conservative families taking the kids to their sports activities, the fast-food-drive-through, or Wal-Mart.
The worthiest of conservatives realize the rewards of their hard work and frugal lifestyle by owning the most well-engineered and luxurious automobile possible, the Audi.
In their well-earned vacation times, conservatives enjoy a wide variety of activities, such as football, other sports, motor sports, X-treme sports, and recreation such as atv-riding, watercraft-riding, riding (bikes, in case you're an awareness-challenged liberal). In summer when the kids get out of school, they like to go on family vacations exploring the wonders of the world, places like Disney World, 6 Flags, water parks, or the Mall. They have no need for things like museums, parks, or Europe.
OK, that's enough. I hate writing this stuff or thinking about it. Too stupid. But if the culture wars must go on, there's my contribution.
posted by rich solomon at 6:21 AM
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