Today's Source of Unhappiness

I just realized where the unhappiness and feeling of unbelonging comes from that I get attending my friends' live music events. Contributing elements:

1. I don't see that group of friends except when I go to one of their shows.
2. I feel like an outsider in that group, though they are gracious and welcoming toward me. I don't have the same attitude toward myself, instead I feel anxiety about not belonging. This comes from fear that if I don't show up fairly often I won't progress at building relationships.
3. My life ordinarily is devoid of creative work and public engagement.

The main problem is that I really enjoy both hearing music performances and interacting with friends I don't see very often, and at the event those activities compete for my attention. So the more I do, the more I simultaneously don't do, and feel like I've missed it.

Underlying that dynamic is a dangerous irrational desire to be part of the world of music and creative minds that I don't feel exists in my everyday life. I have to make a choice, I feel, between where I feel immersed in a creative environment and where I live in material conditions that support my life's goals most of the time.

So what should be an enjoyable event in my life turns into an uncomfortable and unsatisfying mental drama. What is missing? Where am I giving up my responsibility for my own happiness and mental balance?

Where desire creates suffering in this picture is painfully obvious: instead of enjoying what should be a fun evening out I cause myself anguish and disappointment by my desire to do everything all at once, to pretend a more cool situation for my creative mind even though my actual life circumstances are quite good.

So how can I be satisfied with what I have and bring my comfortable and confident self to the show instead of the self-doubting issues-ridden version?

First, I have to actually be satisfied with what I have, rather than just OK. At the end of the day I need to be able to look back and feel like the time contributed to a larger goal.

If the music scene is where I'll judge the quality of my life, I need to choose what will make me competent and properly directed when I'm there. Listen to more music, and listen better. Work on things that are intelligible to the group of friends whose opinions I value. Those elements exist in my life already, but I de-emphasize them. I need to get over this neutrality and create an "arts and culture" interface through which I can realize my bourgeoise dilletante self. It is OK to be a music fan with a day job.

Finally, address my worst failing: practice.

... But maybe my inner being wants to be a free eccentric. That's for next time.